Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Ichiro Suzuki Traded to the Oly Rollers

PHOENIX, AZ — 2012 has been a year of unfulfilled expectations for Arizona Roller Derby.  The season began with such promise and a level of excitement that AZRD fans had not experienced before, but ultimately the product on the field turned out more mediocre than spectacular.  Despite being more competitive than in years past, today the team officially ended the Ichiro Suzuki era.

"We know it's difficult for our fans to see," said general manager Jack Zduriencik.  "We all want to put a winning product out there to get everybody excited, but sometimes you have to know when to fold 'em and look to the future of your team."

The American League WFTDA West Division has been tougher than Arizona expected this season.  "The Rangers are still the Rangers...  The Angels got Pujols, and that Mike Trout fucker came out of nowhere," Zduriencik said.  "-And the A's!  No one thought the Athletics would be this good either.  The deck was stacked against us.  What else can we do?  We need to focus on rebuilding."

When reached for comment, Ichiro had this to say:  "I think it help me.  I always admire the Oly Rollers and how they committed to winning above all else no matter how much they hated.  I'm excited to play for a winner.  I want a ring just like everybody else."

"We're excited to have him," said Brian Cashman, general manager of the Oly Rollers.  "We think he'll look really good in Oly pinstripes."  But what does Cashman think about the imbalance in competition that has plagued baseball roller derby?  "We know we always win.  Of course we know that.  We exploit our position at the top to keep adding talent and stay at the top.  It's no secret."  Cashman then cackled maniacally.

Obviously, the Arizona fans have a different perspective.  To them, this scenario is all too familiar.  This fanbase once endured 4-year period that saw the departures of Randy Johnson, Ken Griffey, Jr., and Alex Rodriguez in succession.  "We know our fans aren't happy to see this happen again.  I'm not happy.  Hell, Eric Wedge is furious," Zduriencik opined.  "But at the end of the day this is the reality of our sport.  All we can do is make the best of a bad situation and move forward."